Tuesday, April 12, 2016

An Honest Moment



(This was posted three weeks ago, but I ended up taking it down because it was a little bit dramatic. I edited it, but I still feel like it’s really important that all of you know about this part of the journey.)

     Hi everyone, I know I haven't been here in a long time, but I've been having a really tough few weeks. I can't be perky, and I didn't know how to write while I feel like this. I decided to stop hiding so much behind the blankets and empty brownie pans and tell all of you what's up; because I realize as I talk to more people, that they've been broken too, and I'm not the only one who deals with this. There won't be a lot of pictures in this post to keep you reading. It's just going to go straight through because my feelings are going from my heart to the keyboard and my thoughts aren't organized or strong enough to try to do anything extra. So if you're interested, read through this, and I'm sorry for the mistakes, but I can't fake it anymore. 
     
     So here's my story, and here's where I'm at.
     
     Two weeks ago I had a break down. I was so overwhelmed. The project is so much work and so much pressure and senior year sucks. I'm sorry but I just have to say it. When you have home responsibilities, and when people at your church expect things, and when your friends need you for things (I love being there for you guys, don't take that personally), and when your teacher has a list a mile long of everything you still have to do in order to graduate, you get a little over-stressed.  And that Wednesday I just kind of broke. I couldn't handle it all. 
     The problem was that I had been trying and trying to handle it all, but I didn't even know how to start. I had been freaking out about the lists of things I had to do in my head for weeks already, and I didn't know how to blog because I didn't know how to be happy about where things were at. I began to feel worthless, and like I couldn't do anything right. I've never been good at organizing anything, and I'm naturally an artsy, messy person. I'm horrible at prioritizing. I'm a master procrastinator. I didn't know how to deal with everything that was overdo.
     Now usually, I do this *let’s freak out about how I can’t handle anything or keep my room clean* thing like once a month. Then I wake up the next day and I feel fine, and a little silly and over-dramatic. That didn’t happen this time.
     Thursday I woke up and thought “Oh no.. life. I have to get up… How?” My alarm clock hadn't gone off (even though I checked it twice!) and I missed my morning class...Thursday was awful. I was feeling more and more hopeless as the day went on, and I kept having little breakdowns about the stress and my inability to handle anything. I went to bed so grateful that I had someplace where I could make my brain stop making lists for a few hours. 
     On Friday I woke up like I did on Thursday, wishing I didn't have to. Wishing the world would pause for just a day so I could catch my breath. I could feel my headache that hadn't gone away since Wednesday getting worse. I could feel my neck ache creeping down into my shoulders and back. Then I got in trouble when Mom found out that I had missed my morning class again. When I went back upstairs again, something changed. I was so worn out. So upset. I started to obsess over everything I was horrible at, and how there must be something wrong with me because I had been told that I should be able to handle this and that I "didn't even know what stress was," but for some reason I couldn't. I felt like I wasn't pretty enough, like I sinned too much for God to really love me anymore, like God didn't really care about the album anymore, like I was stupid because I can't do math and can't understand science without reading the page at least five times. I forget everything. I talk too much. The list didn't stop for three hours. I sobbed for those three hours until I couldn't think anymore because I had literally put the very last of my strength into crying. I felt totally abandoned by God.
     I haven't exactly been the same since then. Everyday I'm struggling to get out of bed and try to beat the ever-growing list. I have mini breakdowns every day. If I'm honest, I'm just not okay. 
     Last night I had a disagreement with my dad about the album. I took some things to my sister's house because I can't be in mine right now. Every time I walk in I feel the tension and stress and responsibility that I just can't handle. I'm over here right now eating ice cream and chocolate cake and walking around like a zombie with a never ending waterfall coming from her eyes. Aren't emotions just great? *rolls eyes* 
     I don't want to go home and face my problems again... I don't want to do any of this anymore. I want to quit because I feel like I will never be good enough to handle everything that I'm supposed to right now. And I feel totally pathetic for not being able to handle it all...




     I feel a little naked right now. I can't believe I'm thinking about posting this with no happy ending for you. And with so so much vulnerability. But you know what? Every time I've talked to someone about what I'm going through right now, they say that they've been here at some point. It really helped me to know that I'm not the only one in the world who's felt like this.
(And it’s also a little comforting to see that somehow they’re fine now.) So this is for you, because you need to know that you're not the only one. Sometimes life just sucks.

    I'm not going home yet and my parents are talking about how to to make the project more reasonable. I’m just hoping this is all going to have a good ending and I’m trying with all my might to keep trusting God.
Also, I need you guys right now. I need all of your prayers and your support and I need you to believe in me, because right now I don't.
     

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