The Journal that Changed Everything

      Open Up and Try a Little Something called Honesty.

      Hey Everybody!  I'm back this week, debating on what to talk about actually. There's something else that went into this whole music decision making thing that was important. It is also, however, tough to admit, especially knowing that my family will probably read this post. I finally decided, "Whatever! Everyone goes through hard times, but it's the people that are willing to talk about it who change lives." and now that I think about it, that sentence is the whole reason I'm even writing my songs, right?

Realizing what I had Lost

     So... Before my dad asked me to  write the album, before I decided to do a senior project with it, before so, so many things that have happened, I was going through a really rough period in my spiritual life. For some reason, the faith I had kept so feverishly all of growing up felt distant, felt like it was fading. My heart longed to feel close with my Savior again. After a while of wondering just what had gone wrong, I realized that I had let my friends take God's place in my life... I cared about them more than I cared about Him. It was so wrong, and I felt so guilty. I wondered, "how did I let this happen? I never thought this could happen! He was my best friend... and now?" Now I felt like I had betrayed God. Our closeness had faded away, and life was cold, confusing, hurtful. There was no one there who knew me back and fourth, through and through, or who I felt liked loved me as much as He did. (I'm not saying God wasn't there anymore, but I didn't feel the closeness I used to feel with Him, and that made it feel like He wasn't, even though He always is. Just being clear that I know the Lord never abandons.)

      I began to feel depressed, and the more I tried to pray the more I felt like I just couldn't.

      I was so confused. Why couldn't I connect to God again? When I realized that it wouldn't be a quick prayer of "I'm sorry" and we'd be back to where we used to be, when I realized that I had lost a lot of the relationship I had build up over years and years of reading my bible and praying all the time, and that it would take a lot more than a little prayer to get all of that back, I grew very sad. I cried a lot... I felt guilty, I felt confused, lost, desperate. 

Questioning my Faith

    Honestly the main reason I even agreed to writing the album in the first place was because I thought maybe, somehow, I could communicate with God better if I tried through music... but it didn't go exactly as I had been hoping. 

    For some reason, praying was really, really hard at this time. Believing in God was actually starting to become hard... I'm not stupid, I know this world didn't come from nowhere and nothing, and I know that all the amazing things here have a creator, but not feeling His presence was weird, and somehow it made me doubt more and more each day. I was beginning to wonder if I believed in God because that's how I was raised and I wanted to have something more than life on earth to believe in, or because I really did believe.The two things that kept me knowing that He MUST be there were 1) this beautiful, magnificent world that could, in no possible way, have been an accident, and 2) I knew that I had felt Him before. I knew that the feeling of God's love and presence, was real. So I kept trying. Because guys, He's real. 

The Prayer Journal

     I realized I had to do something. I had to start really putting Him first again. I had to get that relationship with Jesus back. I knew that I tended to grab a notebook and write letters to friends before I would grab my bible or anything. I started a Prayer Journal, but it started more as letters to God/Jesus. I had come to learn over the year and a half that I had been writing to my friends, that I express myself pretty well through writing my thoughts out. At the moment, that seemed like the best way to communicate with Him. 

     I made it a goal to write to Him every day, no matter what happened, I would write at least a few sentences to God, even if I dreaded it. I wasn't going to let my faith die out. It started with honestly. I laid out all my confusion, and I even dared to say (a few days later anyway) that I wanted to feel like He was real again, because I didn't. 

     The letters got longer and longer, I wrote about random things I might have written about to a friend, like what I did that day, how annoying my sisters were being, how I was scared to grow up, you know, just stuff he already saw and knew; but hey, at least I was saying something.

    Until I Rest In You, Oh God.

The day I finally started to feel His presence again, was a very wonderful day. I was laying in bed, frustrated again, crying, again. listening to a playlist on my ipod, when the song "Restless" by Audrey Assad came on. I hit repeat, and listened until the tears couldn't really flow any faster, or any harder.  

     I sat up, turned on my light, and wrote in my journal a real, true prayer. Something I felt. Something that just bubbled up out of me; things that sounded like a poem, sort of? It was the first time I wondered if I might know how David felt when he wrote out his psalms. 

     Suddenly, finally, I could feel God's presence come over me, giving my heart rest and peace for the first time in a long, longg time. More tears, (these of joy) and more heart ache and more emotions that even I usually have came along with that moment. It was one of those totally overwhelming moments you get when God comes full-on. Like when you're at a huge worship service, or some kind of weekend youth convention, or a missions trip. One of those moments that leaves you shaking and wondering why and how you could ever doubt. 

Praise God for Audrey Assad and her music. haha ;) 
Restless ~ Audrey Assad 

     Here's some pictures of the journal that turned everything in my life back around. And pictures of just one of my now growing in number (again, finally.) bible times. Sometimes rainy days are my very favorite <3 

What I want you to Get from all of This

     What I hope you take away from reading this little bitty part of my private life, and seeing me be a little vulnerable, is that, you're not alone. I want you to see that you aren't the only one who struggles with their spiritual life, and if you are struggling right now with your faith in God, DON'T GIVE UP. I encourage you to do whatever you can do, whether it be telling your youth pastor, talking to a friend who's mature in Christ, or starting your own little book of letters to God, to stay connected and not loose your faith. This world is getting worse and worse day by day, and with everything I've been through, I probably wouldn't be here right now if I didn't have Jesus to go back to, every time I can't stand living in this broken world anymore. Keep Trying. That's all I want you to remember. It will be worth it. And he DOES love you, always. 

well, I'll be back soon with something a little less intense for ya'll. :) God bless you lovelys! Have a fantastic week. :) 

~ Arianna

 

When Senior Year Got Involved...

  Senior Year Jitters

     Hey guys! :) Here I am with the next bit to this story, ready to hear this? This takes my the whole music project up to the next level of scary...

     I go to an on line project-based school called Edvisons. How it works? You get school credit by doing projects of things you love! Like... Once my friend and I presented a project on making a music video. That's right, we got to make a music video together, had loads of fun, and got to log time for it! This school rocks, but that's not what I'm talking about here. 

     A "Senior Project" is required for graduation at this school. It has it's own set of fancy shmancy rules along with regular project rules, and you have to have at least 300 hours logged for it by the end of the school year. It has to be big and (preferably) original, and you have to do a 20 minute presentation in front of a lot of people the spring of your senior year. In case you don't already know, I'm a senior this year... so yeah, yikes. 

  The Realization

     I first realized that my senior project might collide with my album when I watched my friend's senior presentation last spring. Wow, that's all I have to say. She did an amazing job, and I'm SO proud of her, but I realized... a senior project is bigger than I had been anticipating apparently. Meaning... I'm gonna have some serious work to do! This could majorly collide with my album... Which would mean that neither of them would turn out the way I wanted.

     I talked to my mom, and she wanted me to use my CD as my senior project. I thought she was crazy. I love her to death but she has no idea how scary it is to sing on a stage, let alone sing songs that you wrote! Telling my school, my teachers, everyone about it and showing them evidence (the CD, eventually...) was a horrifying thought. I'm starting to own up to the fact that I'm a big fat chicken about most things... even though I'm always talking about going on adventures and doing scary things, if it came down to it I can almost promise you I'd chicken out. The friend I was dragging to the roller coaster would have to drag me on. 

That's it, I'm getting brownies.     

     No really. I can't stand this craving anymore. 

oooh! dark chocolate... :D

mixy! mixy!

poury! poury!

  ohh my gosh I can't wait! I'm not even supposed to eat gluten, so hehe........ rebel midnight snacker. ;) ;) ;) Also I'm listening to Jingle Bells, just so you know. ;)

...It is obviously wayyy to late for me to be blogging publicly... I have a feeling I'm going to regret this in the morning. Don't worry mothers, I don't get deathly ill from gluten, it just isn't the best for me. ;) I'll let you know in about 28 minutes how they turn out!!!

     Where Were We?

     I'm sorry guys, I have an unhealthy addiction to brownies. Anyway! So I kept on thinking about doing music as my senior project, and the more I thought, the more and more terrified I was. I talked to my best gals about it, and they both said things like "I believe in you honey" and "If this is what God wants for you then you can totally do it!" you know, best-friendy stuff that best friends say. I was still scared. I was so scared that I didn't even talk to my dad about it until much much later. I knew he would say we could do it, and I wasn't sure that we could...

     I talked to Larry, my advisor for my school, and told him everything I was worried about. If I went into all the details right now of why we were so concerned it wasn't going to work out, this blog post would be even longer; and it's not even half over and already I'm feeling like I've talked forever. Someday I'll explain a little more, but for now, just know that we had a list. 

Anxiety.

     

     One of my biggest problems was the unbelievable amount of anxiety I was going through in all of this. After I first said yes to my dad, I walked around the house in a trance-like terror for days. I didn't want to eat, I didn't want to sing, I didn't want to listen to my favorite music artists much because the thought that I could end up as big as they were freaked me out too badly, I would have moments where I would breath hard and think "I'm crazy, I can't believe how terrified I am. I can't even think straight!" I didn't want to practice my guitar either, I was just a mess, and it went on for about three straight weeks until I finally came to a place where I could trust God, and say that if He brought me to it He would bring me through it. I knew that, until He actually brought me to a stage anyway, I would be okay.

     I still didn't sing as loudly as I used to, or practice guitar at all. It was like the deal I made with my dad- 

AH! BROWNIES! brb guys. This is an emergency. Yay! they're beautiful and I'm letting them cool for another 15 minutes or so, even though I desperately want to stick a fork in right now and have-at-it. Ugh. The struggle.

     As I was saying, it was like the deal I made with my dad ended up turning me off all the things I should've been aspiring toward. Not the ideal way to start making a CD, I know. 

     I told Larry that if I tried to make this even bigger and turn it into my senior project, I was worried my zombie-like self would come back and I wouldn't want to do anything for the project. He said that there were ways to get through anxiety, to think about it and talk to someone I trusted... 

Thank God for Youth Pastors!

     Jill, my youth director, is an amazing gift from God, she really is. I asked her to meet with me, and we talked about my fears. I asked her "If I'm so scared to do this, couldn't that be God's way of telling me not to?"

     I don't know what I'd be doing right now if she hadn't said the following verse to me, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be blogging about brownies and cold feet... 

 

     God does not make us timid and scared, he gives a spirit of power! Of love, and of a sound mind. Not a mind that is running around, unsure about everything and worry-some. So if this spirit of fear wasn't coming from God, and it was stronger than any fear I'd ever had before, well... Do I even have to ask myself who it's coming from?

     Then Things Turned Upward.  

     Oh I was mad, and embarrassed, that I had let the devil play me like a -

AH! YEAH! BROWNIES! hehe hang on. ;)okay, life is good now that I have half the pan in my bowl. the other two gone my brother took. what a hog.

           Anyway, I was pretty upset, but also, ready to fight him back. 

 The "I Am" pages

When I went home I did something I think was long long over due. I made "I Am" pages. They're something I made up that I strongly encourage you to do! It's so much more uplifting than making a list of good things about you that you come up with by yourself. Believe me, I've done that a hundred times, and having the encouragement come directly from the God of the universe means a lot more than having it come from you. 

     I googled some verses, and went a little crazy on these two pieces of notebook paper, underlining and using words in passages of the bible to describe who I was, through Him. Check it out:

 

 

These seriously felt awesome. When I was done, I read them over and over, realizing that if God said all these things about me, they must be true! I went right to my dad's office. Ready to do this thing. or, to at least think about it. ;) 

The Analogy That Made Up My Mind.

     I was going to be honest, I was going to just tell him the whole truth, I decided, as I sat down on the black carpeted steps across from his chair. With a beating heart, I began to tell him exactly what was going on, and all about my anxiety the past few months. 

     After he heard about the fear I had, even before I told him about the verse Jill shared with me, he started talking.

     What he had to say is what truly made up my mind. He said "Fear is the dark room the devil takes you into to develop your negatives."

     After a short lesson in old-fashioned film development, and finding out that film before it's developed is called negatives, he proceeded to say some pretty great stuff. So if I haven't lost you yet (I promise to make sure this is my longest post! I'm sorry!) please finish, I promise this is my last section before I wrap it up. 

     "Satan traps you in this dark room of fear, so you're stuck in the dark, and you don't know it, but the more fear you have, the more negative things about yourself will be developed." he started. "He takes every little thing about you, that freckle, that extra few inches, just anything you can possibly think of that could be negative about yourself and developed it more and more, until you're engulfed in your own fear and judgment."

 My eyes were widening, this was better than any analogy I had ever come up with. 

"But, my Arianna," he said, grabbing my eye contact again, "you don't have to fight him, you don't have to dodge the things he's throwing into your path as he desperately tries to stop you, you only have to open the door, and let in the light. And what is the Light?"

     Everything was clear now. God/Jesus/ His word is obviously the light that I needed to let in every time I was surrounded by that fear again, and brought back into that dark room. And I realized, no wonder I felt so good after the "I Am" pages! I had finally let some light into my section of desperate fear! Wow. I couldn't believe how spot on everything was. Suddenly I knew, Really, truly knew, that I could do this. That I was supposed to do this, and that I would do this. 

You're Finally Up to Date!

     Thank you soo SO much for reading all the way to the end of this novel! But hey! now you really know what's going on! 

     My dear brothers and sisters in Christ, I encourage you with all of my whole heart to trust that God knows what He's doing, whatever you're facing! I hope I've encouraged you to seek prayer/guidence and have faith next time you have to make a huge decision. I learned so much because I wanted to make sure I did what God wanted me to do, and nothing else. God bless you all! I'll see you next time when I talk about stuff and things. ;) and probably ice cream, since that's my other favorite dessert. Btw, I hope I made you crave chocolate and bible time today. You're welcome. Hey, one thing I live by (this could be right next to my life verse...) is "Life is short, lick the bowl!" ;) Love you guys so much! Have an awesome week. :D

~Arianna

Chapter 1 of this Crazy Adventure

     Here We Go!

Hi! I'm Arianna Rose, and I just started a hugeeee chapter in my life. I'll be blogging about it all school year, maybe longer depending on how this goes! I feel as if I'm opening a giant book I just found behind a shelf in the library of my life. It was hidden, but I think it's bigger than any others I've read! I'm opening something huge, something scary, something I could regret for the rest of my life if it goes badly.. something that will, no matter what, change me. 

How it all Began

One cold night in late December, I brought my black, hardly-ever-touched, acoustic guitar into my Dad's office to see if he would tune it for me. Because I get my long-winded-ness from my Dad, I usually end up in there talking to him for hours, even if I just come in to give him something from Mom. He loves music, practically breathes it, so he ended up showing me some things, and I ended up getting another impromptu guitar lesson. 

     About two weeks before this day, one of my very best friends in the whole world had recently been diagnosed with lymes disease... She was having the worst time with it, and I didn't even have words to help her anymore.  ME! and trust me guys, I have words for just about everything. 
     At this point in life, I actually was trying to work harder on learning guitar, something that I've been doing off and on since I was about eleven years old. I knew enough chords to put together a song, a pretty cute, cheerful-ish song, not one of those sad ones that sounds like you're mourning over the fact that Gilbert Blythe isn't even real. (Sorry if I just burst a bubble... go eat some brownies honey, I promise it helps.) 
     Anyway, one night, when I felt totally hopeless, wishing I could say something to make her feel better, I ended up pouring all my feelings into a song that I wrote then and there on the guitar.  (and yes, it did make her cry. Go me! Friendship points right there. hehe ;) )

     That night in my dad's office, I ended up somehow playing it for him. He was thrilled to pieces! (though he might  not put it exactly in those words) He told me I was in trouble because  I had "real lyrical talent" and he wanted a full album out of me... Great............... 
     At first I thought he was mostly kidding, and just complementing me, but he never stopped talking about it, even my mom warned me that she hadn't seen him so excited in several years.
     A few days later, my dad came to me and suggested that I co-write a CD with him. We would work together, I'd write lyrics, and maybe some songs, and he would write most of the songs, do the editing, etc... He said to pray about it a few days, and get back to him, maybe make it my new years resolution? 
     It sounded fun, I think? It mostly sounded really scary. When my dad dreams, he dreams big, so of course he talked about me becoming as famous a christian artist as Brit Nichol and Jamie Grace, and that thought completely terrified me.
     I talked to my two best friends about it all, and they could barely hold themselves together they were so ridiculously excited, it was kind of funny actually... Love you girls ;) 
So after a little more prayer, and deep breathing, I said yes.  

I said what?!

     Yeah! I really did say yes! I know, crazy right? The deal was to take a year and learn guitar, write songs, improve my vocal skills, and maybe sing on some stages? To put my songs out for the world, and grow a lot lot in my faith, because let's face it, this is huge for a girl who's never been secure about like, anything. Making a CD is like telling the world  "I  think I'm good enough for you!" but.. what if you're not? 

      I decided that maybe this was God's invitation to me to be... well, brave enough. To be brave enough to love Him with everything I have, no matter what others think. To be brave enough to face all the challenges this year will bring. To be brave enough to trust that He will bring me through this whole journey! 

     I've been reading a lot in psalms, because at this time I think David inspires me more than any other biblical figure. He was small, and judged by so so many, and yet when he trusted God with everything he had, God eventually made him king! He was also a musician, so you know.. that's cool. ;)

     So here I Go...

     So here I go! I'm headed out waiting to see where this new road will take me! I mostly started this blog so that my friends, family, and teachers (<< you'll understand that after my next post.) could see how things are going, but if you've run across my quirky, clumsy, adventurous self, you can stick around and see what happens! :D I want this blog to become an encouragement to everyone who has a dream, or is scared to try something new and big, but tries anyway. You rock my two socks! ;) We're in this together, right? I'm going to rely fully on God through this whole thing. (and if I seem to forget please remind me! It's so so important!)

I love you all already and thank you so much for all your support as I strap in for this crazy ride!!

     In my next post I'll talk about the next most important part of this story, another twist I didn't see coming. This is turning out to be bigger than I first signed up for! 

~Arianna