The Journal that Changed Everything

      Open Up and Try a Little Something called Honesty.

      Hey Everybody!  I'm back this week, debating on what to talk about actually. There's something else that went into this whole music decision making thing that was important. It is also, however, tough to admit, especially knowing that my family will probably read this post. I finally decided, "Whatever! Everyone goes through hard times, but it's the people that are willing to talk about it who change lives." and now that I think about it, that sentence is the whole reason I'm even writing my songs, right?

Realizing what I had Lost

     So... Before my dad asked me to  write the album, before I decided to do a senior project with it, before so, so many things that have happened, I was going through a really rough period in my spiritual life. For some reason, the faith I had kept so feverishly all of growing up felt distant, felt like it was fading. My heart longed to feel close with my Savior again. After a while of wondering just what had gone wrong, I realized that I had let my friends take God's place in my life... I cared about them more than I cared about Him. It was so wrong, and I felt so guilty. I wondered, "how did I let this happen? I never thought this could happen! He was my best friend... and now?" Now I felt like I had betrayed God. Our closeness had faded away, and life was cold, confusing, hurtful. There was no one there who knew me back and fourth, through and through, or who I felt liked loved me as much as He did. (I'm not saying God wasn't there anymore, but I didn't feel the closeness I used to feel with Him, and that made it feel like He wasn't, even though He always is. Just being clear that I know the Lord never abandons.)

      I began to feel depressed, and the more I tried to pray the more I felt like I just couldn't.

      I was so confused. Why couldn't I connect to God again? When I realized that it wouldn't be a quick prayer of "I'm sorry" and we'd be back to where we used to be, when I realized that I had lost a lot of the relationship I had build up over years and years of reading my bible and praying all the time, and that it would take a lot more than a little prayer to get all of that back, I grew very sad. I cried a lot... I felt guilty, I felt confused, lost, desperate. 

Questioning my Faith

    Honestly the main reason I even agreed to writing the album in the first place was because I thought maybe, somehow, I could communicate with God better if I tried through music... but it didn't go exactly as I had been hoping. 

    For some reason, praying was really, really hard at this time. Believing in God was actually starting to become hard... I'm not stupid, I know this world didn't come from nowhere and nothing, and I know that all the amazing things here have a creator, but not feeling His presence was weird, and somehow it made me doubt more and more each day. I was beginning to wonder if I believed in God because that's how I was raised and I wanted to have something more than life on earth to believe in, or because I really did believe.The two things that kept me knowing that He MUST be there were 1) this beautiful, magnificent world that could, in no possible way, have been an accident, and 2) I knew that I had felt Him before. I knew that the feeling of God's love and presence, was real. So I kept trying. Because guys, He's real. 

The Prayer Journal

     I realized I had to do something. I had to start really putting Him first again. I had to get that relationship with Jesus back. I knew that I tended to grab a notebook and write letters to friends before I would grab my bible or anything. I started a Prayer Journal, but it started more as letters to God/Jesus. I had come to learn over the year and a half that I had been writing to my friends, that I express myself pretty well through writing my thoughts out. At the moment, that seemed like the best way to communicate with Him. 

     I made it a goal to write to Him every day, no matter what happened, I would write at least a few sentences to God, even if I dreaded it. I wasn't going to let my faith die out. It started with honestly. I laid out all my confusion, and I even dared to say (a few days later anyway) that I wanted to feel like He was real again, because I didn't. 

     The letters got longer and longer, I wrote about random things I might have written about to a friend, like what I did that day, how annoying my sisters were being, how I was scared to grow up, you know, just stuff he already saw and knew; but hey, at least I was saying something.

    Until I Rest In You, Oh God.

The day I finally started to feel His presence again, was a very wonderful day. I was laying in bed, frustrated again, crying, again. listening to a playlist on my ipod, when the song "Restless" by Audrey Assad came on. I hit repeat, and listened until the tears couldn't really flow any faster, or any harder.  

     I sat up, turned on my light, and wrote in my journal a real, true prayer. Something I felt. Something that just bubbled up out of me; things that sounded like a poem, sort of? It was the first time I wondered if I might know how David felt when he wrote out his psalms. 

     Suddenly, finally, I could feel God's presence come over me, giving my heart rest and peace for the first time in a long, longg time. More tears, (these of joy) and more heart ache and more emotions that even I usually have came along with that moment. It was one of those totally overwhelming moments you get when God comes full-on. Like when you're at a huge worship service, or some kind of weekend youth convention, or a missions trip. One of those moments that leaves you shaking and wondering why and how you could ever doubt. 

Praise God for Audrey Assad and her music. haha ;) 
Restless ~ Audrey Assad 

     Here's some pictures of the journal that turned everything in my life back around. And pictures of just one of my now growing in number (again, finally.) bible times. Sometimes rainy days are my very favorite <3 

What I want you to Get from all of This

     What I hope you take away from reading this little bitty part of my private life, and seeing me be a little vulnerable, is that, you're not alone. I want you to see that you aren't the only one who struggles with their spiritual life, and if you are struggling right now with your faith in God, DON'T GIVE UP. I encourage you to do whatever you can do, whether it be telling your youth pastor, talking to a friend who's mature in Christ, or starting your own little book of letters to God, to stay connected and not loose your faith. This world is getting worse and worse day by day, and with everything I've been through, I probably wouldn't be here right now if I didn't have Jesus to go back to, every time I can't stand living in this broken world anymore. Keep Trying. That's all I want you to remember. It will be worth it. And he DOES love you, always. 

well, I'll be back soon with something a little less intense for ya'll. :) God bless you lovelys! Have a fantastic week. :) 

~ Arianna